So I have been in a little bit of a slump lately and haven't
really had much to write about except everything woe is me. I am still kind of
slumping but its getting better. Lily was in the hospital so much in the last
two months, and, so much has happened that I just felt/feel so out of control
with everything. Then to make things worse I would sit there and compare myself
to everyone around me and think "why can't I keep my house clean like
her?" "Why don't I have to energy to work out like she does?"
"Everyone is going to think I'm lazy and a bad mom because I couldn't cook
tonight." I just kept bringing myself further down and down. Now I truly
feel like I'm past my epic pity party but there are things I still don't
understand. I hear a lot that people see me as this strong "warrior"
that can "slay dragons" but I feel so opposite than that. I feel like
the world around me is spinning a million times a second and I have to hold my
family down, and, at the same exact time reach out of the spinning vortex at
exactly right moment to grab whatever I can for everyone. That to me is chaos,
not warrior.
But now things have calmed down and I feel
less spiny. I have forced myself to stop comparing my life to everyone else’s
and just focus on my family. It's helped me realize that my family IS making
it. It’s not easy and it’s incredibly stressful but we are, and I do have major
support from my family, and I mean MAJOR! They care and love all of us, and are
truly selfless, and it just helps me realize that we are NOT alone in this.
Lily is doing so much better. She has
started her second interim maintenance and gets 2 different chemos every 10
days. They up the dose of one the chemos by 15% every time. I know a couple of
adults that have taken Methotrexate, which is one of the chemos that Lil takes,
that is just makes them feel absolutely horrible, but Lily is so resilient! She
sits on the couch for a day and then is up and talking and laughing and happy.
She complained of a headache 2 days after her treatment this time but other
than that no real complaints. All her tests and ultrasounds show no more liver
disease and good enough blood counts to feel confident to move on with
treatment. We have another appointment next Thursday and will check counts
again.
I guess what I've learned over the last 2
months is not to judge myself based on what everyone else is doing. I learned
not to judge others during the first month of Lily's treatment but I never
really thought about myself. (shocker!!!) Self-criticism has been a battle for
me my whole life, but now I'm truly starting to understand that everyone has
their own battles, and not all wars can be won fighting with the same strategy.
I've decided that I will keep my house healthy, but I cannot beat myself up if it’s
not totally spotless. I will try to eat healthy and exercise, but I can’t hate
myself for gaining a few pounds when I'm stuck in the hospital for 13 days, or
have hospital appointments 2-3 days a week. I have to try not stress if a bill
doesn't get paid exactly on time, because I have trust in myself and my
husband, that just like always, we will find a way to pay it, eventually. So I
guess for my sanity I have to focus on my full my time job which is to get and
keep, Lily and Makinlee healthy, no exceptions. After that I can focus on my
husband, my home and finances, and then myself. Now I know what most of you are
thinking and quite frankly I don't want to hear it. I know I need to take care
of myself or I can’t take care of anyone, that I fully understand, but that
frame of thinking just proves my point in all of this. I have started to figure
out the order of priorities I have to have in order to keep my life grounded
and organized. It may not be everyone else priorities, but it is what is going
to work for my family. Okay having said that, I am going to still take care of myself.
I know I need some time away. I know that I need to spend some time each
day/week/month where I can just relax and focus on myself and believe me when I
say I am so willing to do that. I just know that I can justify putting myself
100% first, second, or third, all the time when my attention is
desperately craved elsewhere. I have to find balance.
I know that whether you have sick kids or
healthy kids, sick parents or healthy parents, or sick friends or healthy
friends, everyone goes through stages in life where one day you have your shiz
together and then then next day it has hit the fan. Lily having cancer doesn't
change that for me. It just changes the degree at which I have learned to
appreciate and understand the lessons that I will learn this point out. Now,
again, having said that, the next lesson I've learned over the last few weeks
is selflessness. I personally haven't mastered this lesson at all. I know this because
I’ve learned it from all the people I know and love, and even some people I don't
know, that have given to us in our most desperate time of need. I can’t even
fathom that at 10 years old, or while having to provide for a family of seven,
that some people have truly seemed to have mastered the extremely rare gift of
complete selflessness. I am extremely humbled to have such an amazing family. I
hope and pray one day I can help return the blessing to them that they have
given to my family. I truly believe in karma, and I know they have amazing
blessings coming. Thank you to Matix the whole Hull family, and all her friends,
for all the support, and thank you to Jami and James for the incredible
bailout, and ultimately the start to my new trust in life and humanity. I love
my family, and not just the family I live with, but with my many parents (blood
and marriage), my many brothers and sisters (blood and marriage), and my friend
family that has been the constant life support that we have needed. Without you
I can honestly say that the Ross family could not have made it this past 2
months without you. Thank you for giving us everything you have, including one
of the most precious gifts that a desperate family could receive, Hope.
