When I was younger and my mom was battling cancer I remember that she used to ask me all the time to rub her legs before bed. She would let me "stay up late" if I did. I was 10-11 years old so naturally, with older siblings able to be up late, that was exciting on a school night. She would sit in her maroon recliner, as she always did, and I would sit on the floor with her legs over my shoulders and, with her favorite lotion, I would sit there and rub her legs for maybe 1/2 hr or so. After a couple weeks I got sick of doing it every night and refused even though she would still ask. Even with the pleading I remember on her face I turned her down. Now I know that she probably had deep muscle aches that were soothed by my massaging, but back then I just got tired of doing it. Life has literally come back full circle as my daughter now begs me every night to rub her legs. Even before Lily got cancer I used to think about my mom and the regret that I had for not sitting there EVERY night and massaging my moms legs. I still think how selfish I was for not doing it after every thing she did for me. Now, with Lily, and dealing with my second experience with caner, I don't want any regrets, but still sometimes I find myself rubbing her legs half-assed, or making excuses to leave the room at bedtime quickly. Even as I sit here at 1:45 am, I am having to stop typing every 2-3 minute as I hear Lily randomly writhing in pain yelling "NO, NO" because her legs hurt, while she is laying on the couch on the other side of the wall. My first instinct is to be annoyed that she still isn't asleep, but this is exactly why I am making this post. The point of this confession is I'm just trying to remind myself (and by typing it out it makes it real; no excuses) that when I see someone I love hurting, suffering, sad, scared, worried, or whatever, I need to allow the world around me to fall away and focus on just them. Nothing else should matter but what I have right in front of me. I will say this to everyone, don't let regret haunt you over simple things. Be in the moment and love unconditionally. I have to believe it's more than worth it.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Past regrets make present memories
When I was younger and my mom was battling cancer I remember that she used to ask me all the time to rub her legs before bed. She would let me "stay up late" if I did. I was 10-11 years old so naturally, with older siblings able to be up late, that was exciting on a school night. She would sit in her maroon recliner, as she always did, and I would sit on the floor with her legs over my shoulders and, with her favorite lotion, I would sit there and rub her legs for maybe 1/2 hr or so. After a couple weeks I got sick of doing it every night and refused even though she would still ask. Even with the pleading I remember on her face I turned her down. Now I know that she probably had deep muscle aches that were soothed by my massaging, but back then I just got tired of doing it. Life has literally come back full circle as my daughter now begs me every night to rub her legs. Even before Lily got cancer I used to think about my mom and the regret that I had for not sitting there EVERY night and massaging my moms legs. I still think how selfish I was for not doing it after every thing she did for me. Now, with Lily, and dealing with my second experience with caner, I don't want any regrets, but still sometimes I find myself rubbing her legs half-assed, or making excuses to leave the room at bedtime quickly. Even as I sit here at 1:45 am, I am having to stop typing every 2-3 minute as I hear Lily randomly writhing in pain yelling "NO, NO" because her legs hurt, while she is laying on the couch on the other side of the wall. My first instinct is to be annoyed that she still isn't asleep, but this is exactly why I am making this post. The point of this confession is I'm just trying to remind myself (and by typing it out it makes it real; no excuses) that when I see someone I love hurting, suffering, sad, scared, worried, or whatever, I need to allow the world around me to fall away and focus on just them. Nothing else should matter but what I have right in front of me. I will say this to everyone, don't let regret haunt you over simple things. Be in the moment and love unconditionally. I have to believe it's more than worth it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment