Life's Lemons

So I'm going to tell a little story to start off this post. Holidays have almost always been pretty bitter sweet for me. When I was 10 years old my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. She never smoked or was even around smoke but she grew up in southern Utah as a little girl in the 60's and the government used to do a lot of bomb testing in the deserts of Nevada and so the radiation fall out traveled up to where my mom lived. She literally developed cancer by playing outside as a little girl. When I was 13 my mom eventually lost her battle with cancer. I remember that day so vividly. She had a maroon recliner that she used to sit in all the time and she was reclined back just kinda sleeping. The room was filled with my family and our closest friends. She had been sleeping for most of the day but at one point she woke up and called each of us kids by name and with the biggest happiest smile on her face gave us each a hug and told us how much she loved us. I was sitting on the floor right by her and I had my hand on her stomache and she was so thin that I was able to feel every heartbeat up until her last. After she was gone I went outside and we had this little tree in our front yard and I climbed it, which was like literally 2 branches, and I just sat there, watching. It was like in the movies where there is a funeral and the little kid is hiding and just watching everyone around them like they are almost not even there. I was just sitting alone, removed from reality, and taking a  moment to process what life had just given me. After that day I used to go climb that tree a lot whenever I just needed a break. It was my time to get away from everything and I swear every time I would climb it the world would slow down, and get really quiet, and I could think so clearly, and I would feel so recharged and refreshed.

Today I wish that I had my tree. Today was Lily's birthday we tried to get her excited and have fun and play and it was so painfully sad to watch her not even care. We have one more dose of steroids and then we are done for now, but it is hard to see her so heavy and aggressive on a day when she should be so happy and care free. The Drs did do a good job preparing me that her personality would really change but I still couldn't have imagined this. Its so hard to watch my baby not even care about her presents this morning when there is a giant doll house sitting our living room, or have her not want play at Chucky Cheese with her cousin because all she wanted to do is just sit and eat. Its hard to ignore the judging stares that I get from other parents as she waddles around and cries for me to carry her, while I know they are thinking "jeez how did you let her get so big." As sad as it is to think about my mom being 85lbs its just as sad to see Lily so heavy and to know its the price of living right now.

Today I wish I had my tree because now I don't know whats coming next. We go in for a bone marrow biopsy again tomorrow to see how well the treatment is working so far and to plan for the next stage of treatment. Now its the moment of truth if this has even all been working. Now don't get me wrong I know I'm blessed despite my complaining. I still get to hold her and kiss her and snuggle with her and I do get an occasional giggle, and that really is all that matters. She is still here and this too shall pass. I know way too many people who cant have their babies with them at all. But I'm sad for Lily too. She has had to go through more in the last month than a lot of people will in their lifetime, definitely more than any other 3yr old we know. I just didn't think there would be a day that Lily wouldn't want to be a dare devil and slide down the slides, or run around playing with everything and making friends with everybody. 

Today I wish I had my tree so that I could carry Lily up there with me and make ourselves invisible to reality for just a few minutes so that I can reassure her, and myself, that someday we are going to look back on her 3rd birthday and laugh and say man, it was a pretty hard one, but they can only get better from here! :) Then we will giggle and jump down and start the day refreshed and assured and take tomorrows news with our big girl panties on, and praying that the next holiday she is back to being the Lily that we all love so much.