Today is a better day

This past couple weeks have been getting gradually worse and worse. At first Lily seemed mostly normal, actually after the blood transfusions it was the best she has looked and acted in a long time. She has been on a pretty heavy dose of steroids since she was admitted in the hospital and everyone warned me that behaviorally she would be a very different girl, and she is. She is very aggressive, and wants to eat constantly, and I mean constantly. She cant ever sleep, is very emotional, and in the past week alone has gained 8lbs. Its built my patience and I really have been doing really good, but this past weekend, for some reason, I completely lost control. I forgot how to be compassionate towards her, and lost all my patience. I would just sit and look at her I couldn't find my little girl anywhere! She doesn't act like herself, which I was prepared for, but she doesn't look like her self at all and that I was not prepared for. She reminds me of the little kid on the play ground that is short and fat that no one wants to play with. I pity her. I know that your saying how could you think this way about your sick baby? Well, she wasn't my baby. Shes not the smart funny 3 yr old that I know. She doesn't want to help with her sister, or play at the play ground or give good night kisses. That's not her anymore right now. Now she just screams and hits and cries. But I know she will come back, and once again I wasn't listening to what she was telling me, and let my anger and frustration get the best of me.

 Last night Lily was up a lot with some severe tummy pain and after a few really good poops she was able to sleep and once again I can find my baby again! She still doesn't look like herself and that still makes me sad, but today she was smiling at me, and giggled a few times, and was able to take a rest from eating without too much fuss. (That in its self is a small miracle) So my lesson learned for today is that I cant be too quick to judge her. She was hurting so bad its no wonder she was acting out. I was ready to jump ship when Lily really needed me most and so now I have a renewed understanding for compassion, and not just when its easy to understand, but always. Especially when you have given up on everything else. Today our home is happier :) We are smiling and playing. I am doing my best to remember that everyday is a new day and we can not know what tomorrow brings until tomorrow comes.