New Perspectives

So I have a couple things to talk about today. Lets start with an update! Lily had another spinal tap on Wed with chemo in her spine and I'm still giving her an oral chemo at home daily. Her blood counts are looking so good. Everything is looking normal for a healthy 3yr old so that is amazing. She has certainly gotten her spunk back and I will never again take for granted how much I love her sassyness. (okay, talk to me in 10yrs, I reserve the right to change my mind). She has so much more energy and she is starting to look like her old self again. She has lost some weight and gained back her sense of humor. Last night Makinlee was in her jumper and Lily decided to go in the kitchen to jump with her. She jumped (very awkwardly) for about 5 jumps then stopped and looked at me said "Oh man, jumping is harder than I thought." I lost it. It was so funny how she said it. I am just so glad that she is back!!

Okay lets talk side affects. First off the hair. It is rapidly going bye bye. She had pretty thick hair so even with how much she has lost she still has a lot but I can get out a lot at a time if I try. Its not coming out in chunks yet tho so we still have a ways to go. The other night in her bathtub when I was washing her hair it was just kinda everywhere so I balled it up in my hands and stuck it to the side of the tub and gave Lily a squirt gun and she loved the game of squirting water at it to make it fall down the side of the tub and fall in the bath water. She kept asking me to get her more hair so she could keep playing. She had fun with it.

Mostly right now we are having great days but at night things get really hard. I give her her chemo at night and I try to get her to go sleep right after but it doesn't always work that way. The last couple nights she has woken up in the middle of the night just screaming. It takes me about an hour to get her calmed down and back to sleep. She just writhes in pain and says ouch it hurts and no matter what I try to do to help her it just makes it worse. I haven't quite figured out yet what hurts. Sometimes its her legs, sometimes her belly, sometimes her head, I really think its just everything. Its just one of those times through this that I just feel so helpless. I know she is hurting and I want so badly to help relieve her pain and this burden but I just cant. Its really sad. I am just so glad that during the day she is okay. At least at night she mostly sleeps through it.

Lily and I talk about my mom a lot. I have told her that my mom got really sick and couldn't get better so she died and became and angel that watches over us and helps comfort and protect us. She feels so proud that she has a grandma that is an angel she just lights up whenever I talk about it. Today being May 1st and marking 14yrs now that my mom has been gone I was talking to Lily about her this morning. I of course was feeling sad and thinking ugh I hate this day, but when I told Lily that today was the day that her Angel Grandma died and became an angel so got the biggest smile on her face and got so excited. I think I can honestly say that this is the first time that I have told anyone that this is the day my mom died and they smiled. But you know what I was a little refreshing. I know before my mom died that she was in so much pain and so sick that leaving that behind was a blessing for her. But still I always think of this day as how horrible it was for me and how sad I am, but once again Lily has shown me things from a new perspective. She saw it from my Moms perspective and was happy and excited for my mom, that she got to feel better and get her wings on this day. Of course I will always be sad on this day in remembrance of my mom and all the things she has missed but I have decided not to let that ruin my day every year. Lily has shown me that this isn't about me (yeah it took her getting cancer to show me that everything isn't about me ;)) but its about my mom finally getting rid of all her pain and sickness and being able to go to a better place to watch us grow and learn pain free! I am happy that she didn't have to suffer anymore. I cant say that there wont be days that I cry cause I miss her, or that I wont still have days where I'm angry that she is gone, and sad that she has missed so much but I now have a way to get my self feeling better and I have Lily to thank for that.