Ugh.

So I started this post on the night of mothers day. I let it sit for a couple days because I was debating whether I really wanted to post it or not but I decided that I was going to. The debate in my head was "well this really doesn't have anything to do with Lily", "but when you read the title it says MY lessons learned" and although its clear I'm still trying to figure this lesson out I figured that I should post it and here's why:

Lily had a photo shoot the other day, it was very casual, but it was by an amazing photographer that loves taking pics of disabled/special needs kids. When we first got there she was asking me all the questions about how we found out about Lily's Leukemia and our journey to this point, so I told her the story. (She of course likes to get background on her kids, and I really don't mind talking about it) but you know its kinda funny, I've noticed at this point, that I can almost play out these conversations in my head. They all ask the same questions, and then I answer, and their responses are mostly something to the affect of, "I would die if found this out." or "I don't know what I would have done if I were you" or "you are so amazing to be handling it so well" but he truth is, this is my life now. I don't have a choice. I don't get to decide that I'm not going to handle it or, I'm not going to deal with it. But, having said that, I do feel it's important for everyone to see that I'm not perfect, and that I don't wear this Wonder Women cape (that Lily does (thank you Anne)), I'm just a normal person that can break down and loose her marbles too! I have my doubts and I have my questions and I cry my self to sleep on bad days just like everyone. But, when I wake up I see the beautiful face of this amazing 3 year old, and this outgoing 9 month old that I have the honor of laughing with and playing with, and my days are really great.

I made this for my mother-in-laws and myself for Mother's Day and for me its a just a reminder that beautiful things can/will come from what seem like ugly things. :) And again there are so many people in my life right now that help me through the hard times I just want to say thank you for all the love and support. You are all amazing!!!

Now on to my Mother's Day moment of weakness....




Okay first I want to say to that this is a post about me feeling sorry for myself if I'm being completely honest. I would also like to say that I love being a mom and even with everything going on honestly I wouldn't change that EVER! I would never give that up. But lately, I'm kind of back to that super overwhelmed, can't sleep, in a fog phase again. Lily is doing so well, and she is happy and energetic, and so full of LIFE, but I'm still just inching toward the edge. Please don't misunderstand I am so lucky that she is doing so well and I cant even think about the alternative but I guess I'm having a moment. Mothers Day, for me, is hard enough!

At chemo last Wed. Lily slept for an extra long time and we got talk to the nurse for a while. She said she has been a nurse for over 30 yrs working in nursing homes, maternity word, and pediatric intensive care unit (PICU) where we were. She said out of everywhere the PICU is what she loves the most. The kids bring so much life to her job but when things go bad its also the saddest of all her jobs. But its just like everything right? You cant feel real joy if you haven't felt real sorrow?

Okay so here's what I cant figure out! I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. But I'm still trying to understand why my mom died. I would understand her getting cancer and surviving so she was able to help me understand Lily, but what good does her dying do when I was barely old enough to remember???! I know there is a connection somewhere I just cant figure out what! I guess I'll still just have to search to find the answer. I hope that someday I will.